I Feel Sick.

 This is an unedited piece, so excuse the flaws in grammar. 

Here's a piece consisting of my jumbled emotions, stuck together with hormonal glue. I wrote this purely because I wished to express the way I feel about my partner...sometimes it doesnt hurt to have an emotional vent.

When people have described Love in the past, they’ve explored the delicious notions of ‘butterflies’ and ‘that giddy feeling in your tummy’. I feel sick. When I think of Love, my top lip curls in such a way that ironically, the shape of it resembles a ‘heart’. What’s worse is being in love. I ache, personally. Love is a subjective notion, as is beauty- it’s “in the eyes of the beholder”, apparently. I’ve done that generic, low-budget rom-com dreaded thing and fallen in love. I understand the notion of the ‘butterflies’, or as I sweetly like to call it ‘tummy flips’. ‘Butterflies’ sounds so much more wondrous and charming- magical, if you like- but that’s not my style. If you’re going to be honest about Love, you should be brutal and take no prisoners- not even the person you’ve fallen for, knowing they’re going to read this. Titles are nothing, too, might I add. Relationships smattered all over social media sites, public displays of affection- always seeming to go that little bit further and irritating people that little bit more. I feel sick. Why? Because I have ultimately become that person. The person who always claimed they were too ‘classy’ to kiss in public, too shy to show affection to their chosen person; that person who holds the power to change me in such a way that I no longer possess the independence and maturity I once held proudly. I feel sick. I want to explain how I feel when I see the person I love; at first, I feel my chest swell a little- sickening, I know. Secondly, my facial muscles disobey my mind’s commands and my mouth stretches across my face in a ridiculous manner- showing nearly all of my teeth. Thirdly, that chest swelling feeling increases more and more. “She’s only been to work for a few hours!” “You only saw her yesterday” “fucking hell, you’ve only been apart a week!” I get it often. It’s a mockery of me, I know. What’s worse is that I don’t even care. I feel sick. Again, fourthly, a wave of sudden nausea spreads across my body and there is a scorching sensation in my gut- sexy, isn’t it? I reckon that’s the ‘butterflies’. Mischievous little bastards, aren’t they!? No, I hate to disappoint you, but my hands definitely don’t go clammy, nor does my breathing rate speed up like I haven’t done any cardio training in a year…once that nausea evacuates my body, I just feel warm. It’s a lovely feeling, quite toasty. The only way I can describe it is like so; I’ve just eaten a hot bowl of homemade stew- probably a little too quick- and its slumped inside my belly. It’s warm, it’s quite cosy. I’m not a cynic, before you ask, and I’m most certainly not a pessimist- I embrace all aspects of life. I just believe in being blunt. I was once referred to as “the pencil that lost its sharpener” what a ridiculous statement. I never realised that honesty caused a person to feel like a broken writing tool that is essentially useless. Back to the point, Love. It’s a boring concept really; overworked by people who either don’t understand it or in some cases, spell it- “I luv u”. You must be joking, right? It’s not the word that is of importance here, it’s the utilisation of it. I, personally, cannot say it enough when I truly mean it. Almost 22 years of constantly reminding my mother that I love her, ensuring my friends know that I love them, and more to the point; telling the person I’ve fallen for every single day, without fail, and without anything less than whole-hearted emotion. I say “heart” when really, I mean my stomach. After all, they call it a “gut instinct”, don’t they? Regardless of how long you have known a person, been with that person, or how many or little photos on Facebook you share with that person; if you mean it, it is real. What I believe to be most important is that stomach-ache…that feeling you get when you eat hot stew, and wow, when that feeling spreads- your throat! Well, every time I think of that person, how much she means to me, how excited I am to plan a future with her; my throat feels as though I’ve just drank a 500ml bottle of coke and gulped it down in just 2 mouthfuls- it gets stuck in your gullet and for just a second you feel as though you may choke. As you can see, in my eyes, Love is not about creating a beautiful image, comparing people to pretty flowers (I’ve never been into horticulture, myself) and talking about stars and hearts and all the other generic rubbish you see printed on cards from Clintons. Love- in my eyes, and probably my eyes only- is about having a feeling in your gut like no other. A nauseous burn that engulfs your body. That is when I know I’m in love. Whether you’re 2, 22 or 102- if you feel it, it is real. “I think, therefore I am”. Thank you, Descartes. The person I have fallen for consumes my mind, affects every single choice I make- the big and the small- and is ultimately the centre point of my world. A hot ball of molten lava, if you want to be geographical or if you’re just a sarcastic realist, like myself. I’m in love and I feel sick, and it’s the greatest feeling I’ve ever had.